When was the last time you stood on a scale? And how did you feel afterward?
If the number was better than you expected, you probably felt good.
If the number was worse than you expected, you probably felt bad. Then you told yourself, “OK, it’ll be different tomorrow. I’ll make sure of that.” But it didn’t change.
Sound familiar?
When people are trying to lose weight, the most common thing they measure progress (or lack of) is to stand on a scale. Yet most experts say you need to avoid the scale during that time. Why?
Because once you see what it says, it’s too late. There’s nothing you can do about it.
In corporate-speak, it’s called a lag measure – meaning it measures what has already been done, and tells you if you’ve reached your goal. In a sense, you’re measuring the past.
There’s a more effective measurement called a lead measure. It measures how likely you are to achieve your goal.
A lag measure is counting calories, then reviewing the results at the end of the day. It looks backward, not forwards. Not a bad thing, but it can’t be the only thing.
A lead measure is deciding to take a brisk walk through the neighborhood for 30 minutes a day or eating two extra servings of veggies each day. It’s looking forward, not backward. It’s in the future, so you can do something about it.
If you walk 30 minutes a day and eat your veggies, it’s predicting that the weight on the scale will drop.
Make sense?
It applies to our relationships, too.
We use lag measures to evaluate what’s happening between us and others:
- A friend is irritated with you.
- Your teenager ignores you.
- Your boss doesn’t acknowledge your work.
- Your spouse is frustrated with you.
We’re measuring our relationships based on the reactions we see in others. Just like the scale, we see how things are – and if they’re bad, we “hope” they get better tomorrow.
Instead of measuring our relationships by looking at how things appear, it’s better to use lead measures – actions we can take that we predict will improve our relationships with our spouse, family, friends, and co-workers.
Here are 7 proven lead measures for relationships
- Listening for understanding
- Making undistracted eye contact
- Taking the initiative to genuinely ask about something they’re involved in
- Being patient when they don’t change as quickly as you would like
- Treating the other person with deep kindness
- Showing respect when you disagree
- Using their “love language” (Check out Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts for simple strategies.)
If we do those things, they “predict” that our relationships will get stronger. If we do them, we nudge those relationships forward. If we don’t, they’ll slowly deteriorate.
The problem with lag measures alone is that the don’t provide a way to make things better. If we’re only “measuring” but not “moving,” things won’t change. We’ll always be hoping things will improve, but feeling guilty when they don’t.
Relationships don’t get better by observation; they get better by intention.
This week, pick one thing from the list above that you want to commit to doing. Don’t worry about results; just worry about consistency. Ask yourself, “What one thing could I do this week that would be an investment in this relationship?”
Stay off the “relationship scale” this week, and put on your walking shoes.
Which of the “lead measures” listed above will you try with an important relationship this week? Tell us about it in the comments below.