How do people perceive you? Do they see you as confident and in control, or arrogant and cocky?
There’s a fine line between the two.
Confidence is inspiring. We’re drawn to confident people. Being around them makes us feel better about ourselves. They give us hope that we can grow. We think, “I want to be as confident as they are.”
Arrogance is irritating. We’re turned off by people with an arrogant attitude. They make an effort to show how much they know, and they always have to be right. We think, “Who do they think they are, anyway?”
It might seem like the terms are identical, and it’s just about how they’re positioned. We think arrogance is just “too much” confidence, and the solution is to keep our confidence in check. We might feel confident, but assume we’ll be seen as arrogant if we talk about it too much – so we stay quiet.
But the two terms have nothing to do with each other.
Confidence is about having security in the truth of who you are. It means you don’t have to pretend to be something you’re not. It means seeing yourself accurately and accepting it. You don’t feel the need to prove yourself to others, and you’re willing to learn from them.
Arrogance often comes from a lack of confidence. When a person feels insecure, they don’t want anyone to know it. So they overcompensate by talking about how great they are. It’s an attempt to convince others of something that isn’t true. If they were truly confident, they wouldn’t need the approval of others.
Confident people aren’t usually arrogant.
Arrogant people aren’t usually confident.
How Can You Spot Confidence and Arrogance?
There are subtle cues in people’s behavior that cause us to categorize them as confident or arrogant. The more cues there are, the easier it is to determine their perspective:
Respect
Arrogant people are concerned about themselves more than others, so they frequently break into what others are saying to present their own ideas. Confident people genuinely want to hear the perspective of others.
Punctuality
Arrogant people are habitually late, and they don’t apologize when it happens. If a confident person is going to be late, they call ahead to let the other person know and apologize for the delay.
Listening
Arrogant people listen to others only so they can come up with a good response. Confident people listen for understanding and aren’t threatened by another person’s position.
Name Dropping
Arrogant people resort to name-dropping to impress others with who they know. It’s “fame by association.” Confident people might know famous people, but don’t need to throw it around. In the right context, they’ll share the relationship as appropriate, but not to impress others.
Body Language
Arrogant people often reflect their arrogance in their posture, with an exaggerated swagger when they enter a room. Confident people reflect a solid, comfortable posture when they’re with others.
Blame
Arrogant people never admit mistakes or being wrong, and they blame others for anything negative. Confident people are proactive, taking responsibility for their choices and responses.
Positioning
Arrogant people have to “one-up” everyone else that shares an experience. Confident people just enjoy the stories.
Trying It Out
A close friend of mine was following the advice in Dr. Henry Cloud’s book How To Get A Date Worth Keeping, where he suggests a non-serious dating approach with a number of people to learn what you like and what you don’t (instead of looking up front for the one right person). She was challenged to go on at least 25 dates with different guys, never repeating until completed.
She told me that the majority of those guys spent the entire date trying to demonstrate how successful and deserving they were, and why she should be impressed with them. One picked her up in a helicopter and whisked her off to dinner. When he found out there wouldn’t be a second date, he was incensed that she wasn’t thrilled with him.
He wasn’t confident; he was arrogant.
Most of the 25 men were the same way, except for #8. He was quietly confident and didn’t feel the need to prove himself.
She married #8 about four years ago, and it’s been amazing.
The Key to Confidence
There is no such thing as overconfidence.
It’s a myth.
Author Marianne Williamson said, “Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.”
What’s the secret to becoming more confident?
Don’t try to act more confident; become more confident.
Stop comparing yourself with others.
When you see someone on television or in a group who appears more confident than you, it’s easy to feel inferior. When you feel inferior, it’s easy to act like you’re secure when you’re really not.
Here are the signs that you’re truly confident:
- You’ll stand up for what you believe – not because you need to be right, but because you’re not afraid to be wrong.
- You’re a power listener. You’re much more interested in what others have to say rather than forcing your own opinion.
- You’re intentional about encouraging others. You observe people closely and give them the right word at the right time. People get better when they’ve been with you.
- You’re open to asking for help. Insecure people don’t want to appear incompetent, but confident people are honest about their shortcomings.
- You’re not waiting for others to make things happen for you; you simply, quietly take steps to make it happen – with no fanfare.
- You don’t gossip. Insecure people put others down so they’re higher in comparison. You see others as fellow-travelers.
- You keep going. Hardships aren’t barriers; they’re opportunities to find new pathways.
Next Steps
Developing genuine internal confidence doesn’t happen overnight. It requires practice, learning, and sometimes the help of others. But if you develop genuine confidence, you’ll never have to worry about becoming arrogant. You’ll build a healthy foundation that will allow you to confidently impact all your relationships. When you’re truly confident on the inside, people will sense it on the outside.
It’s a combination of internal security and deep caring for others.
That’s where the journey starts – and it grows one step at a time.
If you want to take your communication skills to the next level and learn how to have genuine confidence in your conversations, then pick up a copy of my book, Dealing with the Elephant in the Room: Moving from Tough Conversations to Healthy Communication.
This book prepares you to communicate confidently in every situation. No matter what you’re facing, you can learn the exact words and tools you need to take your communication to the next level.
This book prepares you for hard conversations by teaching how to listen effectively, give and receive genuine feedback, and saturate relationships with kindness. It’s a great resource for becoming confident in your communication – in any situation!