Why It’s Important To Choose Our Friends Carefully

Recently I heard someone say, “You become like the five people you spend the most time with.” That idea has captured my thinking the past few days, and two questions have surfaced:

    1. Who do I spend the most time with?
    2. Have I really become like them?

Influence of familyI spend the most time with my wife, Diane. We have our own unique personalities, but have been married long enough that we finish each other’s sentences and respond to things the same way. Our interests have merged over the years, while we still have our unique areas of focus. In a healthy relationship, that’s a good thing.

I also spend a lot of time around people I work with, friends at church, and members of a small group that meets regularly. As I’ve thought about it, I do see how we’ve rubbed off on each other. We carry hints of the “scent” of each other’s lives.

Those changes haven’t been intentionally crafted, but just seem to happen as we spend time together.


So if that statement is true, it leads to two more questions:

    1. Are those five people becoming more like me?
    2. Is that a good thing?

I’ve realized that I choose not to spend much time with people who are trying to change me. If they take me on as a project to “fix,” I don’t respond well. But when they simply enter my life and accept me unconditionally, I become a different person because of their influence. Without my realizing it, their acceptance influences me to become like them.

I think it’s important to be intentional about who we hang out with. It’s comfortable to connect with people who are just like us, but we don’t change or grow. To really stretch and develop as a person, we need to intentionally choose close relationships with people who are further ahead in certain areas of life.

In other words, find people of all ages whom you admire and want to be like, and hang out with them.

What happens in those relationships? They’re not giving you formal instruction or walking you through a curriculum; they’re just being themselves while you watch them in different life situations. Without even realizing it, you’re learning how to handle those situations in your own life. They model effectiveness for you.

They’re not forcing you to change; they’re influencing you. You become different by being around them.

Think back over the years to the people who inspired you to be better — to do something you didn’t think you could do, or to aim higher than you would have on your own. It might have been a teacher, a coach, a grandparent, or a family friend. Somehow, they made you believe in yourself. They came alongside when you were struggling and said, “I believe in you.”

How did that feel?

Question: Who do you spend the most time with today? How are you becoming like them? You can share your thoughts in the comment section (below).

Senior Consultant at FranklinCovey; Speaker, Author of 5 books – including “People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys,” “I Wish He Had Come With Instructions,” and “Dealing With the Elephant in the Room.” (See Book page)

  • Dan

    As YOU are one of the guys I love to hang out with, I’m expecting to be able to write creatively and purposefully any day now! While that may not happen (there’s always hope, right?), I agree with you very much that who we hang out with certainly effects (or is it Affects….see, just not morphing into your good traits), over the long haul; even the short haul sometimes! But if the good can effect you, cannot the bad also? ….how do we not allow that if it is so ‘subconscious’? Hmmmmmm, sure speaks to wanting to hang out consistently with the ultimate friend ……Jesus.

    • I guess that reinforces the whole idea of selecting our friends carefully — it’s probably watching people “over time” — a long period of time — where we start seeing true character . . .

  • gracee

    So very true… as iron sharpens iron.
    My problem is that 4 of the 5 people I hang out with most are little kids. Well, it’s not really a problem, I love being w/them, but it may explain my immaturity at times. =)

    • Love it . . . ! Hadn’t thought of that perspective, but it’s true. Good news — they’re becoming like you . . .