Suppose the world was divided into two broad groups; which would you be in?
- Those who have trouble talking
- Those who have trouble listening
Sure, it might depend on the situation. But I bet you know which group you’re in.
If you’re in the first group, you’ve probably wondered how to become a better conversationalist. Sometimes it’s a challenge, and you’d like to become more confident.
If you’re in the second group, you might not know it. Conversation comes naturally for you, so you assume you don’t need any help with communication skills. In fact, you might wonder why the other group doesn’t just talk more.
I grew up in the first group – and it’s still my default setting.
I’ve never considered myself to be shy, but I definitely grew up on the “quiet side.” Everyone I knew seemed to be more outgoing than I was, and I envied their ability to strike up a conversation and keep it going.
Deep inside, I felt like there was something wrong with me.
I had a few friends I would hang out with who were also introverts. We were kind of a “secret society” of quiet people. Occasionally, I would build a relationship with an extrovert. My self-esteem grew because a popular person would associate with me.
But no matter who I was talking to, I always wondered how they perceived me. I assumed they noticed how uncomfortable I was, as though I was wearing a sign around my neck that said, “Don’t ask me about my day.”
My solution was to act like an extrovert. If I could pretend to be more outgoing, maybe I could fit in with others.
In grade school, part of our grade was often based on class participation. That was painful for those of us who learned best by listening, but was a reward for those who were naturally more outgoing. I remember forcing myself to ask one question aloud each class period so I could get the participation grade, but it didn’t make me any smarter. In fact, it hindered my learning because it didn’t allow for my unique learning style.
I read articles about how to be more outgoing and got a lot of good tips. They worked for a while, but it was draining. Pretending is hard work.
I was trying to become something I wasn’t.
I felt like a Volkswagen trying to become a race car.
I’ve often assumed that the confidence I see in everyone else is what they’re actually feeling. But sometimes I pretend to be confident when I’m not. If I’m doing that, it’s realistic to assume that others are doing the same thing.
Imagine what it would be like if everyone told the truth about what they were feeling during conversations:
“I’m afraid to talk to you because I’m afraid you won’t like me.”
“I’m really intimidated by you.”
“I’m a lot more interested in what I have to say than in what you think.”
Decades later, I’ve learned how to communicate with confidence. But it hasn’t been by becoming more outgoing. I’m still in the quiet group, and always will be.
No matter which group you’re in, I learned that effective communication doesn’t come through tips and techniques; it comes through being yourself.
I even wrote a book about it.
Conversation and Life
Conversation is the most important tool we have for 21st-century living. Almost everything we do depends on it. We can’t buy a car, negotiate a business deal or strengthen a relationship without conversation.
When it’s done effectively, we get satisfying results.
When it’s done ineffectively, we’re unsatisfied with the outcomes.
If it’s that important, why don’t we spend more time trying to get better? We’ll pay someone to help us improve our golf swing, learn photography or develop our computer skills. But when it comes to making conversation, we settle for the way things are – assuming it can’t change.
We might have read a book or article to get ideas for improvement, but just found tips for talking that seemed foreign to our temperament. Discouraged, we resign ourselves to making the best of a bad situation.
But the problem isn’t having the wrong personality; it comes when we try to change who we are into something we’re not.
Compensating for perceived weaknesses won’t lead to conversational success. Instead, we need to embrace the personality we have and explore ways to capitalize on it.
Taking golf lessons doesn’t change your body type. It teaches you to get the most out of the body you have.
Why not spend time studying your personality and learning to get the most out of it? The benefits will take you a lot farther than simply improving your putting skills.
Time for a Tune-Up
For some people, learning to communicate effectively requires a complete remodeling job. For others, it’s just a fresh coat of paint. No matter what our conversational skills are like, we could all use a little “spring cleaning” now and then.
I’d like to help make that happen – for about the cost of a venti mocha at Starbucks. Here’s the assignment:
Click on this Amazon link and pick up a copy of my little book, How to Communicate with Confidence.
You’ve probably seen it on racks at CVS and other drug stores, grocery stores, and airport bookstores. Now, it’s time to pick up a copy – for yourself, or for someone who could use help with their conversational skills. You’ll learn how to:
- Customize conversational techniques to fit your temperament
- Start, continue and end a conversation
- Handle tough conversations
- Use electronic communication effectively
- Listen deeply to others
- Ask questions effectively
- Be yourself
I’ve had several psychologists tell me they give their clients this book when their conversational skills need help. If you’re an introvert, you’ll find tools for communicating effectively. If you’re an extrovert, you’ll learn about communication styles that differ from yours and how to work best with them.
We all could use a tune-up, and this is a chance to try it for yourself.
You don’t have to be different.
You don’t have to be better.
You have to be you!
What one area of communication would you like to improve? Share it in the comments below.
Pick up your copy of How to Communicate with Confidence today – then let us know one way you’ll apply what you’ve read!
“Mike is a student of the art of communication. He will make a good teacher for every reader.” – John Ortberg, Menlo Park Presbyterian Church
“Does anyone really know how to communicate well? Mike does, and this is a great tool to develop intimate relationships and deeper connections in any situation.” – Steve Arterburn, New Life Ministries