Have you ever been in a one-on-one conversation, and the other person was looking you directly in the eyes while you were talking . . . but you just sensed they were a million miles away?
How did you feel?
Most people believe that they’re above-average listeners – in the same way they think they’re above-average drivers. Everybody else knows they need some help – except them.
People often think they’re a good listener when:
- They don’t interrupt.
- They make good eye contact and facial expressions.
- They repeat back what they’ve heard (“So, if I’m hearing you correctly, you’re saying . . .”)
Those are all good things, but research shows that they can be done as a technique without actually listening.
How about you? How can you really tell if you’re a good listener? And why does it matter?
Characteristics of a Good Listener
A research study in the Harvard Business Review a couple of years ago gave some insight. Researchers studied 3500 managers that were learning to be better coaches, which meant they needed great listening skills. Their employees, peers and supervisors rated them on their ability to genuinely listen, then the researchers studied the top five percent.
The results found characteristics of a good listener that were different from the other 95% of managers:
- They used active 2-way dialogue, asking clarifying questions (instead of just sitting quietly).
- They created a safe environment where the other person felt supported (rather than passive listening or criticism).
- They were cooperative instead of competitive, listening to simply understand (instead of trying to debate).
- They made appropriate suggestions that opened up alternatives (instead of trying fix the other person).
We’ve all had at least one experience where a doctor rushed through a medical exam, gave us a prescription and walked out the door. If we asked questions, we felt like we were intruding on their time. We felt like they weren’t really listening, so we weren’t confident in the solution they’ve provided.
It happens in relationships, too. Listening has become a lost art. That’s why it’s so refreshing when someone actually listens to us. It’s like we’ve found an oasis in the middle of the desert. It’s often surprising when it happens, because it happens so infrequently.
Nothing builds a relationship faster than genuine listening. Nothing destroys a relationship faster than being distracted.
We know how it feels when someone listens – how it nourishes our insides and gives us energy to face the day. We feel like we’re not alone in our journey.
The best part? We can do the same thing with everyone we meet. It takes practice, and we have to be intentional. But it can refill a person whose emotional tank is empty.
It’s simply applying the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Overcoming Barriers to Effective Listening
How can you learn to listen effectively? It’s a journey, and it takes practice. But here are five simple, intentional steps you can take to get started – little things that can make a huge difference:
Be focused. Anything that distracts you from giving your complete attention becomes a barrier to connecting. One example is to put your cell phone completely out of sight. If it’s sitting on a table next to you, it’s almost impossible to ignore it when it vibrates and a text appears on the screen. Sure, you might just glance at it. But the other person notices that you’re not giving them 100%.
Be intentional. When you’re just silent, it might feel like you’re listening – but the other person doesn’t know it. If you ask relevant, clarifying questions based on what they’re talking about, it shows that you’re being intentional about understanding them. They realize that if you weren’t listening, you wouldn’t have been able to come up with those questions.
A genuine, intentional interest involves give-and-take, not just trading talking and silence. It helps you clarify what you hear, which allows you to offer appropriate input and ideas.
Be patient. Never look at your watch or a clock during a conversation. An innocent glance implies, “OK, I’m here, but I’m partially focused on what’s coming next.” If you truly are on a tight schedule, tell them exactly what your time frame is before the conversation starts.
Then, while they’re watching, set the alarm on your phone to go off when it’s time. Turn on the ringer and pocket the phone. They’ll know it’s coming, and you have no reason to check the time until the alarm sounds.
Be curious. Practice approaching conversations with an open mind. The more expectations you have, the harder it will be to simply listen. It’s fine to have an agenda for the conversation, but focus on hearing their response. Listen for the emotions behind their words.
A day or so after you talk, revisit a point you discussed together and add a new thought or ask another question. It shows that you weren’t just listening during the conversation; it went deep enough that you’re still thinking about it.
This can’t be an artificial technique. It has to come from genuine curiosity, which is why you’re still processing the conversation.
You want to care, not pretend to care.
Be positive. When someone shares their opinion, be careful not to minimize their position. Unless they ask, don’t critique what they’ve said. If they want your thoughts, it’s OK – but emphasize that you’re just sharing your perspective. You don’t have to agree with them on everything; you just want to understand their perspective.
Make them feel safe and supported by showing confidence in them. Don’t become defensive or try to win an argument. Deep listening builds trust, and they’ll want to know what you have to say.
How Will You Be Remembered?
The hardest people to practice deep listening skills with are those closest to us – especially family members. It takes concentrated effort, so it’s easy to try at work or other conversations. At home, we get comfortable and take each other for granted.
Think what would happen if every time one of your kids or your spouse wanted to talk, you grabbed your phone and said, “Wait – let me put this away so we can talk.” If that became your pattern, it would speak volumes to the people you want to influence the most.
Someone asked me one time, “When your kids look back years from now, what mental picture will they have of you?”
I realized that they would picture me sitting at my computer. If I answered more recently, it would be me holding my phone.
I wanted to change that future picture – which means I had to change my behavior. I want them to picture me sitting with them and listening deeply and undistracted. I want them to feel like they were the most important person in the world whenever we talked – because they were.
Most people are starved to have someone listen to them. We’re in a world where everybody’s talking, but nobody’s listening. That’s why it’s so impactful when it happens.
It takes practice to make it a habit.
But it’s the fastest way to build trust in any relationship.