Tomorrow is Christmas. Are you excited about the celebration, or dreading it?
You might celebrate a different holiday this month, but those celebrations usually have one thing in common – getting together with others.
If you’re facing the day alone or after a time of pain or loss, that brings unique challenges. If you’re celebrating with others, it could still be wearisome.
It’s easy to get caught up in the preparation, and the busyness, and wanting to make everything perfect. You want everybody to have a good time and get along. You long for a Hallmark Christmas with perfect decorations, the scent of cinnamon and happy endings.
But the chances of that happening are about as likely as a respectful political season. In fact, many family gatherings have the overtones of an election year. People try to behave, but being together can bring out the dark side. Even if nothing is ever said, feelings that have been safely tucked away rise to the surface – on the verge of leaking out in subtle sarcasm.
You want to be there.
But you want it to end.
Often, it’s centered on one person. They were invited out of obligation, but it feels like a skunk has wandered into the room. Everybody is aware of them, and nobody wants to get them upset because of what might happen.
Other times, it’s a combination of people who know how to push your buttons:
- The chatty parent who lets their kids run wild in your house.
- The negative neighbor who sees the bad side of everything.
- The disengaged, sulky teenager who’s always on their phone.
- The disengaged, sulky adult who’s always on their phone.
- The self-absorbed relative who monopolizes conversations.
- The sociable spouse who never offers to help.
It’s worse when it’s family. People who are related tend to let their guard down, feeling like there’s no need to impress anyone. That may be true, but it sets the stage for hurt feelings. If they talked to their boss the way they talk to their relatives, they’d be updating their resume soon.
Is There Hope?
So, how do you get everybody to get along?
You can’t.
If you plan a happy event and expect everybody to automatically be happy, you’ll end up being unhappy. People don’t change just because they’re in a new environment. They’ve been that way for a long time, and a holiday gathering brings out more of who they already are – for better or worse.
You can’t orchestrate the feelings in a room. You can create an environment, and put people into that environment. What happens between those people is largely out of your control.
So, what can you control?
You.
That’s it.
Author and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl wrote, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”
It’s all about you.
“OK,” you say, “that sounds fine. But I can’t just decide to stop my feelings, right?”
Right – sort of. Feelings aren’t good or bad – they just happen. But there are some really simple things you can do ahead of time to take control of your feelings before anybody shows up.
How? You need to go on a mission – taking a few specific steps today to invest in what happens tomorrow. They’re simple steps, and they’re practical – and can change your attitude (and maybe influence the attitude of others). Even if your celebration is usually positive, it can take it to the next level.
Here’s How it Works
You’ll need about 15 minutes and something to write on – either paper or electronic. Grab a cup of coffee or tea, and find a place where you won’t be interrupted.
Step 1 – Give up your expectations.
I’ve written about this often, but expectations usually get us in trouble. The more we expect things to go a certain way, the greater the chance for disappointment. It’s better to switch to expectancy.
Expectancy is when you set the stage, and simply look forward to see what’s going to happen. It eliminates the anxiety of having expectations derailed, since you don’t have any. You simply anticipate what’s coming next.
Step 2 – List everyone who will be at the event and rate your feelings.
Write each person’s name down. Notice how you’re feeling about each one being there, and add a number from 1 (you’re dreading it) to 10 (you’re excited).
Step 3 – Find one thing you can affirm about each one.
Think of one thing each person that you appreciate. It doesn’t have to be big, and it can’t be artificial. It could be something about their character, or it might be something they did – no matter how small.
If it’s a positive relationship, it’s easy to overlook because we take them for granted. What do you appreciate about them, but haven’t told them in a while? It might have been something they said to you in passing that made a difference in your perspective – but they don’t know it happened.
If they’re a scoundrel, look for anything at all that was positive along the way. If you can’t affirm their character, focus on their actions. Maybe they helped someone unload their car, said something positive to one of your kids or helped clear the table. The smallest thing qualifies.
Step 4 – Prepare a single sentence to tell them.
The key is to make this casual and short, not syrupy or unnatural. It will be something you’ll say in passing during the event, not an intentional conversation. It might sound like this:
- “Hey, you know when you told my son last month that he did a good job on his school project? That was huge for him – thanks for doing that.”
- “I’m just noticing how you seem to always have a word of encouragement for everybody, and you’ve been doing that today. That’s a gift, my friend.”
- “I know these kinds of events aren’t your favorite. But I’m really glad you’re here.”
- “Has anybody told you recently that you’re appreciated? Just saying.”
- “You know, it seems like a little thing – but it meant a lot that you volunteered to help set the table. Thanks.”
- “I know things have been tough for you lately. You’re on my radar – and I’m glad you’ve let me ride along on your journey.”
- “You were watching the game with everybody, but got up to help. That was really cool . . . thanks.”
Step 5 – Tell them.
This is where the magic happens. The key is telling the truth and keeping it short. Say it, then move on.
Work through your list tomorrow with each person. Make it your goal for the day to affirm each person briefly. If you’re spending the day alone, do it with one person. Send them a short email of affirmation or give them a quick call.
What will happen? You might not see it, and you may never know.
But think about a time when someone affirmed you in a tiny way about something they appreciated. How did you feel? It made your entire day. They might not know it, but it gave you hope and encouragement to face the next day.
At the least, this will change your attitude about the entire celebration. And who knows – if others are encouraged, they might actually behave differently.
It’s a gift you’ll be giving to others – and to yourself.
And who doesn’t like gifts?
Have a blessed holiday!