There are some people that are just positive about life. It’s not a fake, syrupy kind of positivity – just a general optimism that’s contagious. You feel better about yourself when you’re with them. When you’re in a conversation with them, you don’t want it to end.
There are other people that are generally negative about life. No matter how good something is, they tend to find the downside. Spending time with them can be draining, and you’re often looking for a way to end the conversation.
Here’s the big question: Which one are you?
When people spend time with you, are they hoping the conversation will continue or are they looking for an early exit?
It’s All about Attitude
Most people live a reactive life. If good things happen, they feel good. If bad things happen, they feel bad. Their emotions depend on their circumstances rather than on their mindset.
They’re like a ping-pong ball on the ocean. They simply drift where the waves take them.
It doesn’t have to be that way. We all face the same variety of circumstances, but we don’t have to be at the mercy of those circumstances.
We can choose our attitude.
Two people are in the same traffic jam, riding in the same car, late for the same meeting. One person is upset and stressed; the other person is calm. What makes the difference?
It’s how they’ve chosen to respond.
You might have seen this popular quote in the past from pastor, author, and speaker Chuck Swindoll:
The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think, say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company… a church… a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play the one string we have, and that is our attitude… I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.
And so it is with you… we are in charge of our attitude.
My father-in-law printed it off and framed it, and has it hanging in their bedroom. It’s become his paradigm about life, and I’ve heard him quote from it often over the years. Earlier this year when my mother-in-law had a stroke, this mindset shaped the way they’ve faced the journey together.
Our attitude is fluid, not fixed.
We can choose it and change it.
Can You Change Your Attitude?
James Allen wrote, “Every action and feeling is preceded by a thought.” The thought comes first, the feeling follows. If we want to change our feelings, we start by changing our thoughts.
Have you ever tried to stop a feeling?
If you’re mad, sad or glad, it’s tough to simply say, “Well, I’ll just stop feeling that way.” The energy of the emotion is still there, and we can’t simply wish it away.
The way to change our attitude is to change our thoughts.
King Solomon said, “As a man thinks, so is he.”
We become what we think about.
Want to become a different person – someone that people are attracted to because of your attitude? Pay attention to your thoughts. When you’re feeling negative, stop and ask these two questions:
- What are the facts in this situation?
- Can I do anything to change the situation?
If you can do something to change the situation, then take action.
If you can’t change the situation, learn to accept and adapt.
Note: This can sound trite to someone who’s struggling with clinical depression or experiencing overwhelming grief or overpowering life issues. That’s a different issue and requires a focused therapeutic response. In this article, we’re talking about people who have simply developed a chronic pattern of negativity because of the way they think.
10 Intentional Steps for an Attitude Adjustment
Truly positive people aren’t pretending to be happy; they’re being realistic. They don’t allow themselves to become victims of things they can’t control, and they put their energy into the things they can do something about.
Is it time for an “attitude upgrade?” Here are ten key options to explore:
Know where you’re heading with your life. When you have a clear sense of purpose, you’ll know where to put your energy. You’ll be able to make choices that move you forward and set aside the things that stall your progress.
Learn to find satisfaction where you are right now, but always be moving toward something new. Make “flexibility” your mindset, so you’re always open to opportunities to grow.
Move from “expectation” to “expectancy.” If you’re looking for a guaranteed result when you take action, you’ll often be disappointed. Expectancy means you simply do something, then watch with anticipation to see what happens.
Change the way you look at failure. Instead of avoiding failure, see it as a step of growth and learning. John Maxwell says you should “fail fast and often.” Don’t let failure stop you; just see it as one more check mark in the process of succeeding.
Hang out with positive people. Someone said that you become like the five people you spend the most time with. Seek out new relationships with people you admire, and spend less time with those who drag you down.
Take yourself lightly. Spend less time thinking about yourself and more time thinking about others. If you’re always worried what others are thinking about you, relax – they’re probably not thinking about you at all. Most people are focused on themselves, not others.
Don’t expect others to live up to your standards. Trying to fix others keeps you frustrated. Accepting others as they are will free you to be yourself.
Develop a lens of gratitude, and look at all of life through it. Look for the bright side of every situation. When storm clouds have a “silver lining,” it’s because the sun is shining behind them. The clouds might be ominous, but the sun is real.
Stop comparing yourself with others. If you use somebody else’s life as your measuring stick, you’ll always fall short. Everyone’s at a different place in life, so it’s unfair to compare your “Chapter 1” with their “Chapter 20.” Measure your growth against where you were and where you want to be. Use your own ruler, not theirs.
Make a decision, then make it right. Make quicker decisions, knowing that not everything will turn out the way you plan. Life is meant to be lived – and that’s tough to do if we spend all of our time playing “what if.”
How to Install an Attitude Upgrade
I realize that a list of ten ideas sounds good, but it can be tough to know where to start. We need a single, simple exercise to kickstart the process. Try this approach:
First – Are you a person that people want to spend more time with, or less?
It’s often hard to tell because we’re too close to ourselves to know the truth. Here’s a simple way to find out:
Ask someone you trust – someone who cares enough about you to tell you the truth in love. If you don’t have a close friend, pick someone who knows you and whose perspective you value – a teacher, clergyperson, a co-worker, a neighbor or a distant family member. If they don’t know you that well, it’s OK – they can still share their thoughts as a place to start. They might even be basing their comments on their interaction with you during this meeting.
- Ask for permission to send them this article, and let them know you want to talk about it in a few days (preferably in person). Tell them you want their honest appraisal, because you want to grow. Give them a few days before you meet so they have time to ponder honestly.
2. Meet with them and ask these two questions:
“On a scale of 1 (negative attitude) to 10 (positive attitude), what number would most people give me?”
“When people are in conversation with me, do they want it to keep going, or do they want it to end?”
3. Ask them to explain, then don’t defend yourself – just listen.
4. Ask what one thing you could do to move the number up a couple of points.
That’s it. Get their input, thank them, and then put something into practice. A few weeks later, let them know what you tried and what results you’ve seen.
You’re Not Stuck with Your Attitude
That’s how growth happens. It’s not a matter of making massive changes all at once. It’s tweaking one thing in the right direction, then others over time. Even if your score is high, there’s always value in revisiting your current attitude. You want growth, not just maintenance.
It always works best when you’re not doing it by yourself. Growth happens exponentially in a community.
We’re right at the start of the holiday season, which has the potential to wreak havoc with our attitudes. Let’s be proactive instead. Look at everything on your schedule during these next few weeks. How do you feel about all the events and conversations you’re facing? How would you feel if your attitude steadily improved over time?