We’ve all had relationships that started well, but lost their luster over time. We wonder what happened: Did the other person change? Did we do something wrong? Did we walk into the relationship with our eyes closed?
All of those things could be true – and they happen in every relationship. But why do some relationships falter under pressure, while others are able to weather the storms?
It has to do with a simple perspective – and getting that perspective right can set us up for success.
Own or Rent?
I’ve never waxed a rental car.
I don’t purposely abuse them, and I’m careful not to get them scratched or dented. But since it’s not my car, I don’t treat it quite the same as my own car.
Sometimes I’ll drive it a little harder than normal or take it over rough roads I might otherwise avoid.
In my own car, hitting a pothole concerns me because I might have messed up the alignment, creating excessive tire wear and other problems down the line.
In a rental car, I don’t give it a second thought. I’m thinking, “It’s not my problem” and “I’m paying them to worry about this.”
(OK, maybe I was having a bad day . . .)
I know that someone else will be driving that car tomorrow, and they have their own driving habits and issues. If the car is rented every day, it has up to 365 drivers each year who aren’t committed to the car’s long-term care. They treat the car differently, because they’re not committed for the long haul. They don’t care if it’s washed, waxed or maintained. They just want it to work for them all day long, and then they turn it in when they don’t need it anymore.
Relationships can be like that.
In a relationship, you don’t “own” the other person. It’s all about making a commitment. If we operate from a filter that says we’re committed 24/7, 365 days a year, we don’t treat the relationship like a rental. We wash it, wax it, and take the steps to maintain it.
That doesn’t guarantee that everything will be perfect. Even well-maintained relationships can be irreparably damaged. But a “commitment” mindset has a much greater chance of success than a “rental” mindset.
When Diane and I stood at the altar, we made some promises to each other. Basically, we promised to be committed to each other “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health.” We didn’t just say, “For better . . . for richer . . . in health.” We promised to stick around and work on the relationship when things get messy.
Planning for Permanence
Here are five principles of long-term commitment:
We take better care of things when we plan on keeping them. When I have a long-haul mindset in a relationship, I’ll spend the time to keep it healthy. I know that if I take that relationship for granted, I’m risking the long-term outcome.
Relationships need to be regularly cleaned. No matter how clean my car is, it gets dirty when it sits outside for a few days. It never gets cleaner by itself; it gets dirtier. Keeping our best relationships “clean” takes intentional effort and regular attention. When we notice unhealthy words or attitude creeping in, they should be graciously acknowledged and dealt with as early as possible.
Relationships need to be regularly protected. Pollution, bird droppings and tree sap take much longer to destroy a car’s paint if it’s protected by a good coat of wax. Without it, they begin to eat into the paint and ruin it. Strengthening and protecting a relationship needs to happen regularly, before the bird droppings hit. That can include reading articles and books about communication, attending seminars or classes, or staying engaged with friends who challenge you to grow.
It’s easier to do routine maintenance on our relationships than repairs. A wife tells her husband, “You never tell me you love me anymore.” The husband replies, “I told you that when I married you. If it changes, I’ll let you know.” It takes time and energy to maintain a relationship, but not as much as making repairs. Consistently invest in your best relationships, and the chance success grows exponentially. Meet with someone whose relationship you respect, just to hear a seasoned perspective. You might consider professional counseling occasionally to do a “tune-up” on your relationship and communication skills
Without intentional effort, relationships deteriorate. The second law of thermodynamics says that left on their own, things tend to run down — not up. When we take our key relationships for granted because there’s no big problem, decay begins to attack quietly. We only notice when the relationship turns painful.
I understand that there are things that happen that divide relationships. I don’t want to minimize the pain anyone is going through where a relationship just isn’t working – or has ended. This is a paradigm of prevention.
Make “commitment” your default perspective, and it’s an investment that can pay off for a lifetime. Without that commitment, you risk losing the compound interest that grows over time.
In other words, don’t treat your most important relationships like rental relationships.