Wouldn’t it make sense that the longer you’re married, the more you know what the other person is thinking? You can tell by the look in their eyes what’s going on in their head. They don’t even have to tell you what they want – you just know. Right?
If that’s true, then it should go both ways. They should just know what you’re thinking as well. After all, if they really love you, they should just know.
Right?
Maybe not.
In a healthy marriage, we’re growing. That means that who we are today is different than who we’ll be in six months or a year. We’re influencing each other to become better versions of ourselves.
Just about the time we think we have our spouse figured out, they change – and so do we. That can cause some major frustration in our relationships. We decide that we know what they’re thinking – but we really don’t.
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
One day early in our marriage, Diane was unusually quiet. She wasn’t smiling, and her eyes just weren’t quite “right.” The day before, we were talking about our finances, and weren’t agreeing. We never resolved it, so I assumed that her quietness the next day was because she was frustrated and angry with me.
Since I decided she was angry, I started thinking about what we had discussed. I narrowed it down to one key issue that was a sticking point for us – and decided that’s what she was mad about. Then I got defensive, feeling that it was unfair for her to be upset. Then I started thinking of all the ways my position was right and hers was wrong.
Then I got quiet, too – because I was upset with her. After all, how could she shut me down like that without knowing all of my reasons? I withdrew (my default setting), waiting for her to say something. As soon as she did, it would be my target – and I could deliver my well-crafted arguments.
She didn’t bring it up. That made it worse, because I assumed she didn’t care enough about our relationship to talk.
Finally, I knew I needed to say something. “You’re awfully quiet today,” I said with carefully-veiled sarcasm.
She said, “I don’t know what I ate last night, but it really didn’t agree with me. I feel horrible.”
Not what I was expecting. It got even worse: “You’ve been quiet yourself, but I know you’re just giving me space. Thanks for not pushing. I really appreciate it.”
I made assumptions about what she was thinking – but I really didn’t know. Because I didn’t have the facts, I made them up – and they became my reality.
I thought I could read her mind. I was wrong.
Psychologists actually have a word for it: Misattribution. It means “believing that you know things about someone without hearing from them, and assuming they should know things about you without telling them.”
Mind-reading is dangerous in any relationship. It bases communication on assumptions rather than facts.
Mind-reading is like book-reading. Imagine someone writing an Amazon review of a book that they’ve never read (it happens often). They assume what’s in it, and write their reactions to those assumptions.
If they actually read the book, they can have intelligent dialogue about it.
People do that with the Bible. They share all the reasons they don’t believe what it says, based on what they’ve heard from others. But they’ve never read it themselves.
It’s unfair – whether it’s a book or a relationship.
There’s only one fool-proof way to find out what another person is actually thinking:
Ask them.
It takes practice, but healthy communication only happens when all the cards are on the table.
Learn to ask, “Tell me what you’re feeling,” and then listen without responding. The goal is to understand, not to convince. Make it safe, and you’ll build a foundation for serious growth.
Proactive Mindreading
Over the years, Diane and I have gotten better and communicating exactly what we need. It’s not natural and it’s not perfect, but we’re improving. It takes skill, which comes through practice.
When we moved into our current house a number of years ago, we had a lot of remodeling to do. We painted, removed partitions, scraped ceilings and replaced windows. We worked for months on those things, doing most of the work ourselves. Then we realized that we didn’t have enough money to do everything on the list.
Replacing the carpet was on that list, but we saved it until later. We didn’t paint the baseboards in the guest room, figuring we’d wait until we did the carpet. Years went by, and the carpet still hadn’t been replaced. It was in bad shape, but we weren’t going to spend money we didn’t have.
Those baseboards looked pretty bad, too – but we had gotten used to them. The room looked unfinished, but it wasn’t a priority.
I had a couple of days off, and decided to surprise Diane and paint those baseboards. We couldn’t do the carpet yet, but at least the room would look more finished. I cleaned them, taped around the carpet, and carefully applied two coats of paint. When I was done, it looked like a different room.
In the past, I would have waited for her to notice and then say something. Sometimes she’d go for days without noticing, and I’d start feeling hurt that she wasn’t appreciating my effort.
I’ve learned to take a more direct approach. When she came home from work that day, I said, “Let me know when you have a few minutes to come in the guest room and ‘Ooh’ and ‘Ah’ over the baseboards I painted.”
She said, “OK – give me three minutes to get settled, and I’ll come check it out.”
Three minutes later she grabbed my hand and we walked into the guest room. She looked slowly around and playfully said, “Ooh!” A few seconds later she said, “Ah!” Then she followed it up with a genuine compliment: “This looks like a totally different room. It just lightens the whole thing up. You did a really nice job in here. Thanks.”
It was direct. It was fun. And it gave us a connection point that lasted for several days. Why? Because I told her exactly what I needed.
I got to be the “baseboard hero.” And it was a lot more fun than hoping she’d guess what I was thinking.
Now it’s Your Turn
In my last post, I mentioned that I’m writing a new book – and asked for your help. Instead of waiting until it was done to figure out what you think about it, I’m going to be bouncing ideas around here. I asked you to be part of my “launch team” by giving input about what you read. That way, these ideas will form in community rather than in a vacuum (which is what’s inside my head).
I heard from a surprising number of you, offering to come along for the ride. I haven’t been able to respond to everyone yet, but I will. Just know that I’m grateful – and I think the whole process will be a lot more fun.
I also learned something about this tribe: You prefer to connect by email and Facebook more than leaving comments on the blog post itself. I’m fine with that for now, because it gives us a chance to connect personally. Sometime in the near future, I’ll put together another option – so we can talk as a group. I’ll let you know when that happens.
Here’s your assignment:
Let me know what your thoughts are after reading this post. Agree, disagree, refine it, and especially – add your own examples. I’ll respond to each one, and I’ll keep you posted on where these discussions lead. Your input can seriously impact future readers, so it’s a chance to have influence over the outcome.