Suppose you could change one decision from your past. It would simply disappear, meaning it never happened.
What would you choose? And how would your life be different today?
It might be something big – a single decision that had major results (drinking before driving). Or, it might be a pattern that developed over time (poor eating habits).
I bet you’ve got a number of things you could choose. We look at the things in our lives that are challenging, knowing they would be different if we had made different choices.
We live with regret.
“If Only . . .”
Regret usually centers on things we’ve done, not what others have done. Another person might make a choice that put our lives in a tailspin, but we feel hurt or anger or something else – not regret.
Regret is what we feel about getting into that relationship in the first place, ignoring red flags we didn’t want to see.
In situations where we have regret, we end up saying, “If only I had chosen differently.”
When we see ourselves through the lens of regret, it’s never positive – and almost always overblown. We regret something we did, but it often turns into regret for who we are. It’s personal. We feel shame and guilt because of something we did – and if we can’t deal with it, we lose our value.
“I did something bad” becomes “I am bad.”
That’s a dangerous place to live. When we hang onto “If only,” we’re stuck in the past – and it sabotages our future.
Most regret fits into one of two categories:
- Things done in ignorance
- Things done by intention
Ignorance
I had surgery last week for skin cancer. It’s not the first time – in fact, I’ve been making payments on my dermatologist’s Mercedes for years. He said that some people have skin that’s just more prone to it than other people, and I’m one of the lucky ones.
But growing up in Arizona in the ’60s didn’t help. Nobody used sunscreen back then. In fact, people would use things like baby oil to magnify the sun’s impact.
I didn’t know any better back then. But I’m feeling the consequences now. Sure, I wish I would have done things differently – but I didn’t know.
That’s ignorance.
Intention
When I was a teenager, I remember hearing about compound interest. Specifically, if I could find a way to save $2000 per year between the ages of 16 and 22 (and invest it at a realistic rate of return), I’d never have to save anything else after age 22 – and have $1 million at retirement.
I did more research and found similar models.
I knew what to do, and I didn’t do it. If I had, I’d be in a whole different place financially than I am now.
Common choices that lead to regret include things like:
- Who we dated in college
- Job choices
- Moving away from family for a job
- Not moving toward an opportunity because of fear
- Getting a dog
- Harmful habits
- Tattoos that represent values or relationships that have changed
“Intentional regret” is tougher than “ignorance regret,” because we knew better – but did it (or didn’t do it) anyway.
When the stakes are higher, it’s even tougher. It’s one thing to buy a used car that wasn’t the best choice now that things are falling apart. It’s another to have broken relationships because of things you said or did in the past. If you break trust with someone, it doesn’t reappear with a simple “I’m sorry.” Trust takes time to rebuild.
My wife and I know what we did wrong in our parenting when our kids were growing up. They didn’t come with instructions, so we tried to figure it out. We’ve apologized for the mistakes, but they’ll always feel the impact of our choices.
Here’s the bottom line: If we’re living in the past because of regret, it’s not really the past.
It’s the present – because that’s where you are today.
And it closes the door to the future.
Changing Your View
I had a conversation with an Uber driver who was taking me to the Newark airport a while back. He also worked as a limo driver and was working on his radiology degree. We talked about his journey from his native country of Italy, his marriage to his bride from El Salvador, and his fluency in four languages. He shared fascinating details about his life.
“So, you’ve had a lot of life experiences so far,” I said. “Where do you see yourself going with all this background?”
With all that he had accomplished, I was expecting to hear some carefully-crafted goals or a clear strategy for the future. But he simply responded quietly with one word:
“Forward.”
I asked him to explain. “I’ve never focused a lot on long-term goals. But every day, my goal is to move forward, not backward. I figure that if I move forward a little every day, I’ll end up in some pretty amazing places.
Now, I help people set and reach goals for a living. So his response caught me off-guard – especially since it seemed so simple, and had the scent of power in it. I explored more.
“Too many people focus on not repeating mistakes from the past,” he said. “But to me, focusing on the past keeps me from focusing on the future.”
He pointed to the rear-view mirror.
“It would be hard to drive this car if I spent all my time looking in this mirror at what’s behind me. And I think there’s a reason why the windshield is so much bigger than the rear-view mirror.”
How awesome is that?
Move forward. Not backward.
What would happen if we did that? We can learn from the past – but if we’re overwhelmed with regret, we’ll get stuck there.
What if we looked through the windshield more than the rear-view mirror?
How to Get Unstuck
What would it feel like if you could live free from regret?
How would your relationships and conversations be different?
How would you feel about the future?
Would you have hope?
The past is real, so we can’t ignore it. If we ignore it, it stays alive inside and becomes a cancerous growth in our journey. We need to face it, then take control of it.
You’re not your past. Your choices in the present determine your future.
Learn from the past, but don’t live there. Build on it, but don’t let it define you.
Today is a new day. Today, you can start moving away from regret.
How? By taking the first, simple steps:
- Divide a sheet of paper into two columns.
- In the first column, list the benefits you’re getting from living with regret. How are you better because of it?
- In the second column, list the negative things that you’re experiencing because of regret.
Now, compare the two lists. You’ll probably have a lot more in the “negative” column than in the “positive” column.
Recognize that you can’t change what’s happened in the past. It’s history. Regret comes from wishing it were different.
Then pick one of your regrets, and challenge it. Since the past doesn’t change, what single step could you take now to move back into control?
- If you didn’t handle your money wisely, you could read a book on how to take control of your finances in the future.
- If you didn’t exercise growing up, you could find two accountability partners and begin a fitness journey together.
- If you got into a career that you’ve never liked, enroll in an online course to gain skills in a new direction.
If your car runs out of gas on the way to a job interview, you’ll feel regret for now filling up earlier – especially if you miss the job opportunity. You’ll feel regret, and want to beat yourself up. Face those feelings and admit them – to yourself, and maybe others.
But it’s futile to stay on the side of the road thinking, “I’m so stupid.” Rephrase that thought into something more accurate: “I did something stupid. I’m OK – but I messed up. I’ll move forward.” Then call a tow truck.
Just take the next right step. The more you begin moving forward, the less grip the past will have on you.
Regret isn’t a given.
You can start releasing it today.