Has your most important relationship become stale?
- Your marriage used to feel exciting, but it’s starting to feel routine.
- Your relationship with your sister or brother has always been energizing, but lately it’s become too predictable.
- Your small group of friends meets often for coffee, but the conversation feels stagnant instead of supportive.
- You feel like you have little in common any more with your parents or your teenagers.
- You have trouble reading your boss’ or coworkers reactions, and you’re wondering if they’re feeling negative toward you.
Sound familiar? You’re not alone. It happens to all of us, and it can be discouraging. But even the best relationships can get musty over time.
When it happens, it’s easy to accept the reality that “the honeymoon has to end.” We assume that relationships just get stagnant over time, and there’s nothing we can do about it. Mundane becomes the norm, punctuated by occasional bursts of energy.
But it’s not true, and it’s not necessary.
The quality of our lives really comes from our relationships. If our relationships are stale, our accomplishments don’t mean much.
It’s like painting our lives beige.
And there’s something we can do to prevent it.
You are a new person today.
When you woke up yesterday, you were one person. But throughout the day, you changed. You became a different person because of:
- Conversations you had that made you think differently
- Things you ate that impacted your body and mind
- Experiences you had that steered your thinking
- Choices you made that affected your outcomes
- Feelings you experienced that you didn’t have the day before
Every day, you change. Imperceptibly, perhaps – but you really are different.
It’s been happening your whole life.
Right now, you are the accumulation of all of your life experiences up to this point. Some were positive, some were negative – but all impacted who you are.
And tomorrow, you’ll be different again.
And so will your spouse, and your boss, and your kids, and your neighbors, and everybody in your life.
How relationships become stale
Here’s the problem: It happens so slowly that you don’t notice it – and you think it’s not happening.
So it’s easy to assume that people are the same as they were a week ago – or a year ago. The longer you’re in a relationship, the more you’re convinced that you know the other person well.
But you don’t.
They’re changing.
If they’re changing but you’re not seeing it, then you know them less than you did before.
That’s dangerous – and that’s how you begin to take others for granted.
When you have a baby, you don’t know her at all. She’s brand new. You study her constantly, trying to learn who she is. You’re learning what she likes and dislikes, how she reacts to things, and what her temperament is like.
You’re a student of that baby. And over time, you get to know her really, really well.
You’re curious.
My wife told me once that she believes that when a child is born, you start writing the storybook of their life. Over the next few years, you keep adding chapters as you learn more and more about them. You feel like you’ve got them figured out.
In fact, you’re so confident in knowing them that you begin to write future chapters – how their life will continue over time.
Then they become teenagers, and tear out the whole back end of the book and write their own chapters – and it’s different than you thought it would be.
Here’s an example:
I have a few friends from high school that I stay connected with on Facebook. They’re really great people, and I’m grateful for the chance to stay in touch.
But it’s been decades since I’ve actually sat down and talked with most of them. If you asked me to describe one of them, I’d describe them the way I remember them. But I know that they’re totally different today because of how life has changed them over the years. I’m different, and so are they.
And so are you.
When your relationship with someone begins to go stale, it’s probably because you’re not seeing the changes that are taking place.
You’re seeing them the way they were, not the way they are.
What happened? You quit studying them.
If you believe they’re not changing, you settle for boredom.
But they are changing. It’s your job to figure out how and why.
So, how do you make a relationship fresh again?
If you read dozens of books on relationships, you’ll find hundreds of tips and techniques to make your relationships work. I know – I’ve bought most of them over the years. The suggestions are good, but it’s time-consuming to triage them and figure out what will work best in your situation.
I’ve discovered one simple thing that’s missing from almost all of those books. It’s not a technique to try out or a step-by-step approach. It’s simpler than that; it’s a mindset – one that you can employ in every situation, without a lot of instruction or skill.
It’s a lens to look through that can help you see every relationship differently, and it’s the key to making all of the other advice work.
If your relationships feel stale, here’s the place to start:
Get curious.
Albert Einstein said, “I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious.”
What if you took a relationship that was important to you, and approached it with renewed curiosity?
What if you approached each conversation as an opportunity to really discover what’s new in that person’s thinking, and how it happened?
No matter how long you’ve known someone, never assume you fully know them. Every day you’re together is an opportunity to explore the mystery of each other’s changing inner world.
Take that relationship that’s so important to you. Instead of thinking, “I know them inside and out,” try thinking, “They’re different today, just a little. I want to find out what that looks like.”
When they tell you about something that happened to them recently, ask questions to dive a little deeper:
- “So, what did you think when that happened?”
- “Then what?”
- “How does that change your perspective on that person (or event, etc.)?”
- “Does that change the way you feel? What does that look like?”
- “What are you going to do?”
The exact questions don’t matter, as long as they’re an expression of your genuine curiosity. Their answers allow us to see them through different lenses – their lenses instead of ours.
The best way to love someone is to be curious about them. Taking the time to see the world through their eyes is an incredible expression of compassion.
What would happen if we approached all of our relationships with a deep curiosity about each other?
What if our agenda was to look through the lenses of others to see how they view life?
What if we made it about them instead of about us?
If your relationships become stale, your life feels stale. It’s common to accept that as the way relationships work over time.
Don’t settle for that.
You have a powerful tool to pump life back into those routine relationships:
Get curious.