Something’s not right.
You’re doing all the right things in your relationship, and there aren’t any huge issues. You talk about the big stuff, and you make sure you’re staying connected. You enjoy each other.
But you’re noticing little things you didn’t notice before. You ignore them because you don’t want to stir up trouble. But you know they’re just under the surface.
It’s like there are termites in your relationship. They’re unseen, but can do irreparable damage if you keep ignoring them.
Some time ago, I approached the steps to go up onto our wooden deck in the backyard. Just in front of the first step, I saw tiny, brown granules on the concrete. I tried to convince myself it was just dirt that had blown up against the step, but I knew from experience what it was:
Frass – a fancy word for “termite droppings.”
Termites can eat through an entire piece of wood, leaving only a skeletal structure on the inside without touching the outside. That’s why termites are so damaging. You don’t know any damage is being done because everything looks fine on the outside.
But what looks like an intact piece of wood has become a hollow shell. You only realize the problem when your foot goes through the board.
Or your house falls down.
But long before that, the frass appears. It’s the first hint that there’s a problem.
I saw the frass, and my mind started running. I thought of the cost of calling an exterminator. Then I added the cost of replacing the damaged wood. Then I pictured the hassle of moving out while the house was being tented. I didn’t know how much damage had already been done, but I knew there was a problem.
I’m a guy, and I needed a solution.
So I grabbed a broom and swept it away.
Problem solved.
Over the next few months, the frass kept reappearing, and I kept sweeping it away. I never mentioned it to my wife, because that would mean I would have to admit (to her and myself) that there was a problem. As long as there was no frass, there was no problem, right?
Finally, I realized that the frass was appearing more frequently. So we ended up talking about it and decided what to do. I removed the board, treated the steps, and replaced the damaged wood. I had caught it early enough that it wasn’t that difficult to fix. We eventually had a professional come and inspect the house because we realized the danger of ignoring termite prevention. There were a few more places that needed treatment, and he took care of them.
The outcome? We don’t worry about termites right now because we took care of the problem.
But I’m always on the lookout for frass.
Relationship Frass
When you buy a new house, you do an initial inspection. If you see frass, you give serious thought to the condition of the house. If there’s no frass, you assume it’s OK and you move in. You’re excited about what it will be like living in your new place. Frass is the last thing on your mind, and you start decorating.
That’s true in relationships as well. When you first start connecting with someone, you’re “inspecting” them. They’re interesting and they look good. You can see yourself being in a relationship with them. You look for frass, deciding if he or she is a solid investment or not. If you don’t see any, you move forward with excitement and assume everything is OK.
Sometime later, you notice the little frass pellets. You catch a look you haven’t seen before, or hear an attitude in their voice, or sense an unfamiliar frustration. It’s barely on your consciousness and it feels uncomfortable. But you don’t want to address it because you’re afraid to question this exciting new relationship.
So you sweep it away.
Soon it happens again. Then it becomes more frequent. After a while you see a pattern that you can’t ignore any longer.
If you bring it up, the other person becomes defensive and upset. Over time it becomes an “untouchable” area – the elephant in the room. Your relationship suffers and your communication is unhealthy. It feels like it’s never going to change, and your hopes of a healthy relationship start to disappear.
Is it too late? Is there hope?
Simply stated, it’s never too late as long as both parties are still breathing.
People can change, and often do when least expected (and for the quirkiest reasons). There is always hope.
There are never guarantees.
Early Detection
The severity of the problem determines the appropriate treatment. I scratch my finger, I grab a bandage and some antiseptic to start the healing. But if a cancerous tumor appears, I’ll need the skills of an experienced medical professional.
When relationships are severely damaged, there’s not a quick fix. When the symptoms grow, it’s often time to seek help from a professional counselor or therapist.
Some of the symptoms to watch for might include some of the following:
- She tends to be generally negative during conversations.
- He tries to manipulate you by saying things like, “If you really cared about me, you would stay home tonight instead of going to that yoga class.”
- She uses absolutes: “You never . . .” or “You always . . .”
- He uses humor to deflect conflict.
- She changes the subject whenever things get uncomfortable.
- He minimizes your opinion: “Oh, just let it go. You’re being unreasonable.”
- She never has an opinion, and just gives in to whatever you want to keep the peace.
Most people respond in one or more of these ways from time to time. If the other person shows one of these symptoms occasionally, it doesn’t mean there’s a major problem. The two things to look for are number and frequency. The more of these symptoms you see and the more frequently they appear, the greater the need to address the situation.
The question is, “How do I deal with those red flags in my relationship?”
Fear of Frass
Some people are afraid to bring up tough issues, especially early in a relationship. They’re afraid of losing the other person, so they pretend everything is OK.
But that’s building the relationship on a base of dishonesty, keeping it from going deep because you’re not letting them inside. Over time you begin to resent them because the issue isn’t going away. He or she senses this and pulls away even further.
When you get frustrated over these unresolved issues and don’t know what to do, it’s easy to feel like things won’t change until the other person changes. But that makes one of two assumptions:
Assumption #1—You can change another person.
My book People Can’t Drive You Crazy If You Don’t Give Them the Keys focuses on the futility of basing our happiness on another person’s choices. Anytime our personal sense of wholeness comes from what another person does, it lets us see ourselves as a victim. We’re no longer taking responsibility for our life; we’ve given it to another person.
A healthy relationship is made of two healthy people, not two half-healthy people hoping to become whole. I can’t force another person to change, but I can influence them. How? By changing the one person I do have control over: myself. When I grow and change, the other person is living with a different person. When that happens, it’s natural for them to respond differently to that “new” person.
Assumption #2—The other person is the problem.
“Well, isn’t it obvious?” you might ask. “Everything was fine, but now he (or she) comes into the picture and messes it all up.”
Someone on the outside would say, “That sounds a little arrogant.” It implies that your way of doing things is correct and the other person needs to change. It leaves out the fact that you might need to adapt to their way of doing things too. It implies that the only solution is for them to become more like you—and the chance of that happening is nonexistent.
Bringing two people together into a relationship doesn’t work if it reduces one person or the other. A relationship works when both people come together with all their uniqueness and differences and become a team. On that team, they become something stronger together than either of them are separately.
The word for that is “synergy.” It’s better than compromise because it builds on the differences. It’s the path to the strongest possible solution.
The Bottom Line
You might feel like you’re in a concentration camp and there’s no hope of anything changing. You’re trapped, and it’s all the other person’s fault. You’re sure they’ll never change and you fantasize about escape. What’s the solution?
It goes back to the Serenity Prayer, penned by Reinhold Niebuhr:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
If you focus only on the things you can’t change, you’ll always be a victim. Accepting their reality is the foundation for freedom.
Author and speaker Jon Acuff said it well:
A simple lesson it has taken me 43 years to learn:
Control the things you can.
Control your response to the things you can’t.
The time to deal with frass is when it first appears. It’s a symptom of a potential problem that can damage a relationship if it’s not dealt with early.
How do you deal with relationship frass? By communicating about it and accepting each other and your uniqueness. If you do that, you’re dealing with the frass as a team, not ignoring it in isolation.
When both people feel that they are accepted for who they are, it gives them the freedom to dream of a frass-free life.
Are you starting to see frass in your relationship – and does it concern you? No matter where you are in your relationship, it’s important to do regular, honest inspections. I’ve written a book to guide you through that process: Dealing with the Elephant in the Room: Moving from Tough Conversations to Healthy Communication It’s designed to help you do the inspection, identify the “termites” that could do damage, and find practical solutions that can build a healthy, high-trust, long-term relationship. Pick up a copy here for yourself and a friend who could use a relationship tune-up!
“I decided to read this when I had some communication issues in my marriage. The tools in this book are great for communicating in both personal and professional relationships.”
“I feel like I will read this book two more times in a row.”
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