My son, Tim, had been married less than a year when I asked him a question:
“So, what have you discovered about marriage that you weren’t expecting?”
I knew he’d have an answer. I was just a little surprised at the one he gave me.
“How much fun it could be,” he said. “But also how different we are—and how good that is.”
He said that when he was in college, he usually dated girls who were a lot like him. They liked the same things, had a lot of the same tastes, and even shared some of the same personality traits.
“It just made sense,” he said.
I agreed. I mean, if you were looking for someone to spend your life with, wouldn’t you want someone who was a lot like you? Seems like a logical match, right?
Then he met Lucy.
They’re very different.
“Everything about her is different,” he told me, “and that’s what makes it so much fun. She sees things completely differently than I do. I’ll think I’m right about something, then she gives me her perspective – and it makes me rethink everything.”
Then he said something profound that I’ve always remembered:
“Everything turns out better when we work together than when we try to figure out whose idea is right.”
We’re naturally drawn to people who are like us – right?
It’s comfortable.
When you meet somebody who likes the same music as you, laughs at the same things, approaches life the same way, and has a lot of the same opinions, there’s an immediate connection.
Finally, we think. A normal person.
So we start hanging out with them, and get to know them over time.
They make decisions too quickly. Or too slowly.
They load the dishwasher wrong.
They want to talk something through when you want to be left alone.
You like to arrive places early to make sure you’re not late. They figure that being a little late isn’t that big of a thing.
You start to think, “Hey – what happened? You didn’t used to be like this.”
Actually, they probably did.
You just hung around long enough to see their uniqueness leak out.
It’s not just in romance, either – though that’s where it often shows up quickly, because two people are around each other so much. It happens in relationships with friends, family and coworkers as well.
We connect through our similarities. Then we start tripping over our differences.
- A coworker needs to talk through every detail before making a decision. You just want to decide and move on.
- A friend loves having a calendar filled with activities. Your perfect Saturday is a blank square on the calendar.
- One person thinks out loud and quickly. The other needs to disappear for a while and think through their feelings on their own before reconnecting.
Which approach is right? Neither.
They’re just different.
The problem comes when we stop seeing differences as differences and start seeing them as defects.
We move from thinking, “That’s interesting” to “Why can’t you just do it the right way?”
And “the right way” usually looks a lot like “my way.”
Try a different approach
The next time you feel frustrated about someone’s approach and think, “Why do they do it that way? What’s wrong with them?”
Reframe your question:
“How are they seeing it differently than I do?”
Their way might not be the best way. It might actually be inefficient or irritating – or just weird.
But maybe their perspective fills in something yours is missing.
That’s what Tim discovered.
Their differences didn’t mean one of them had to win and the other had to lose. They could bring both perspectives to the table and come up with something better than either one would have created alone.
It’s called synergy – which Dr. Stephen R. Covey defined as “valuing the differences.”
Similarities make relationships comfortable.
Differences can make them interesting.
The trick is remembering that – the next time somebody loads the dishwasher “wrong.”
Newsy Stuff
I’ve taken a break from writing (anything) since the beginning of the year. You might have noticed. You probably didn’t. (They always say that people worry what people are thinking about us – but they’re probably not thinking about us at all.)
Lots of reasons, but mostly I just needed a break. It gave me a chance to ponder what I wanted to do when I grow up. I’m simplifying a lot of things so I can focus on a few things and do them well.
This is one of them.
A few changes:
- I’m going to try to write this every week – instead of every two weeks. Can I do that? We’ll find out together.
- I’m going to start a Substack soon. I’m not planning on it replacing this, but I’ve gotta figure out how they work together. It’s a different approach – and I’ll let you know when it launches (probably in the next couple of weeks).
- I’ve never done much with social media. I’m going to start experimenting with Instagram over the next few weeks. It’ll be rough for a while as I figure stuff out – but if you want to ride along and see how it goes (and let me know what you think), go ahead and join me at @mikebechtle. Most of what I’ve used it for in the past have just been fun things and misspelled signs, etc. – so you might want to glance through earlier posts. I’ll keep doing that, but will start doing things more related to each week’s post. Experimenting, stretching a bit.
- Last week, the Kindle version of my book, I Wish He Had Come With Instructions was on sale for 99 cents. A whole herd of you bought copies – enough that it moved up the sales rankings as high as #5 in a couple of categories. (That’s based on sales in the moment, so it changes every few hours.) Now, it’s back to $8.99. So, thanks for jumping in! Fun ride . . .
- The interesting news is that now, the paperback version is on sale for $7.04 – down 59% from the list price of $17. I don’t see an end date on that – but if you like the smell of ink better than sliding your finger across a screen, you can get it cheaper than the Kindle version. Christmas is coming, stockings need to be stuffed . . .
- Here’s a fresh one, and it’s worth checking out. Recorded Books is offering the audio version of my most recent book, How to Read a Room for 60% off between now and November 5. It’s a really practical read, especially for people entering the workplace or changing jobs. Or anybody who has to walk into new settings feeling confident. Check it out here. It’s the complete version of the print book, but I get to read it to you.
That’s more than enough right now – and I hope you’ll stick around as we move forward together. And invite a few friends to join you if you think it’s helpful. I’m looking forward to connecting!