Over the years, we’ve bought a lot of do-it-yourself furniture.
It’s become a familiar process:
- Open the box
- Look for the instructions (or at least my wife looks for them)
- Lay out all the pieces
- Try to follow the instructions
- Get frustrated
- Eat cookies
Sound familiar? Sometimes, the instructions seem like they were written by somebody who had never actually seen the pieces.
Their “step-by-step” process becomes more like “stop-by-stop.”
But at least there are instructions.
Most complicated things we buy come with some kind of manual. There’s a reason for that. The more moving parts something has, the more we need to know how those parts are supposed to work together.
Wouldn’t it be nice if people came with instructions?
It sure seems like it would make relationships a lot easier to navigate!
Imagine meeting someone new and seeing an “Instructions for Care” tag attached to their clothes. It might say things like:
Here’s what matters most to me.
Here’s what makes me feel appreciated.
Here’s what happens when I’m under stress.
Here’s the best way to bring up something difficult.
And whatever you do, don’t push this button.
It would certainly save us a lot of time and effort figuring all that stuff out!
Unfortunately, those instructions are never available.
But that’s OK.
Instructions are handy because they’re supposed to give us predictable results. Do this, then do this, and follow it with this. Follow the steps, and you’ll get the right results.
That works with a bookshelf.
But not with people.
Why?
Because people are unique. We all have different personalities and histories and preferences and life experiences. We have unique fears and strengths and perspectives on life.
Then, just when we think we’ve figured somebody out, they change.
And so do we.
That’s why it wouldn’t work for people to come with instructions. We’d try to learn about a person from the manual instead of from the person.
We Need a New Kind of Manual
When it comes to people, we don’t need an instruction manual.
We need an understanding manual.
An instruction manual tells us what to do with somebody. An understanding manual helps us discover who they are.
With someone we’ve just met, we might simply pay attention. “Do they seem comfortable talking, or do they need a little space? What do they get excited about? What seems important to them?”
With friends and coworkers, we learn more over time. Each interaction reveals more about them.
With the people closest to us, the learning can go much deeper. And that takes the most time and curiosity.
If you open the box to build the bookcase and there are no instructions, you have to figure it out by trial and error.
Mostly error.
It doesn’t go quickly, and it can be frustrating. We try different things, and we’re not sure if it’s going to work or not.
So, we eat cookies.
People aren’t pieces of furniture to assemble or machines to operate.
They’re people to discover.
With instructions, you have a finish line where the project is done.
With relationships, it’s always a dynamic work in progress – for both of you.
It happens face-to-face, conversation by conversation.
And the joy doesn’t come from completion.
It comes from never being finished discovering each other.
This content was adapted from my book, I Wish He Had Come With Instructions: A Woman’s Guide to a Man’s Brain.
Last week, I mentioned that the Kindle version was on sale for 60% off. This week, it’s the paperback – 60% off, so you can grab a copy here for $7.04. Not bad for building the skill of genuine connection!
Not sure how long it’ll be that price – but check it out if you prefer holding a “real” book instead of electronic!